The Mating Ritual Experimentation
by CakeOrDeath620
Summary: Sheldon gets lessons on how to "attract the ladies" from none other than... Howard, with help from the rest of the gang. Set shortly after "The Maternal Congruence." This story was originally called "Sheldon's Experiment."


_(In Sheldon's and Leonard's apartment. Sheldon is sitting in his spot, as is Leonard in his chair, as is Raj is sitting next to Sheldon on the couch. Howard is pacing about.)_

Howard: So let me get this straight. You, Sheldon, want to bag a girl and you want me to teach you how to do it.

Sheldon: Yes, that is what I said. Well, you paraphrased with colloquialisms, but nevertheless, that is correct.

Howard: Do you have any chance with this girl?

Leonard: (_aside_) I think you mean "any" girl.

Sheldon: I don't know, I'm not a love guru, per se.

Raj: Oh that movies sucks! Mike Myers is really past his prime.

Sheldon: (_in annoyance_) What on Earth are you referring to?

Leonard: Sheldon, who possibly could have made you get over your own ego and actually care for someone besides yourself?

Sheldon: (_nervously_) I believe that that information does not pertain to any of you.

Leonard: …Is it my mother?

Sheldon: (_trying to brush it off) _Leonard, do you think that I, a specimen of Nietzsche's theorized super-man, would engage coitus in a menopausal female? Fornication and nature's intended consequences would be rendered obsolete. It's entirely illogical.

Leonard: (_disgusted) _…It's her, isn't it?

_(Sheldon gives Leonard a look of apprehension, surprise, and irritation, and as he opens his mouth to say something)_

Howard: I got it! Penny can be our "Mrs. Hofstadder dummy!" I'll tell you how to woo the opposite sex with an actual member of the opposite sex!

Leonard: NO. No, no, that is NOT happening. And only I can talk about my mother like that!

Howard: Come on!

Raj: And dude, your mother fair game in our mockage.

Leonard: Ok, Howard. A) She's my girlfriend. B) She would never do that. C) Why are you trying to help Sheldon of all people? And Raj: that's just insensitive.

Raj: Ok, fine.

Howard: Look, I know she's your girlfriend and everything, but I could learn something from it too! They say that you learn more as a teacher; Bernadette could really appreciate some new moves. And Penny would go along if we blindfolded her or something.

Raj: Or if we didn't tell her. That would be the ultimate test.

Sheldon: Oh, even that is preposterous. According to Penny, her interests are in sexually passive men who like to be "outdoorsy." I am neither of the two.

Leonard: …You're sexually aggressive?

Sheldon: Well I don't know. I haven't found any data to assert either claim.

Raj: No, guys come one, this might work! I mean, remember when all the grad students who looked like they were about to pass out every time the great "Dr. Sheldon Cooper" talked to them?

Sheldon: Oh, yes. Great indeed. They were right, of course.

Leonard: …Raj, you just want to watch when Sheldon tries to flirt with Penny and laugh at what happens.

Raj: …Ah you caught me.

_(Enter Penny.)_

Penny: Hey guys, I was going to eat cereal but I ran out of milk again and I am working on memorizing a monologue for an audition I have tomorrow so can I just borrow some so I don't have to drive to the store?

_(Sheldon shoots a glare toward Penny.)_

Leonard: You're memorizing a monologue the day before an audition?

Sheldon: Wait, you're eating cereal at night? The only excuse for that is coping with jetlag after returning from some remote place such as Tokyo.

Howard: If I may interrupt, Penny, do you think you could do us a favor?

Penny: Howard, no matter how much money you would give me, I would never do a foursome, let alone a threesome-

Howard: No! I actually am not hitting on you tonight. Sheldon is.

Penny: Excuse me?

Sheldon: There is a female homo sapient that resembles Aphrodite herself and she has caused the right lobes of my brain to over-power my strong left side of my cerebral cortex.

Penny: What?

Howard: He wants to learn how to bang a girl. Specifically Leonard's mother. (_Leonard throws his hands in the air.)_

Penny: Ew, what, wait- NO. Goodbye. (_Turns to leave.)_

Howard: No, wait! (_Raj gets up and whispers in his ear) _Do you want to be responsible for Dr. Sheldon Cooper's last days on Earth lonely, withered and wearied as an old man who never felt love because he never could overcome the tedious task of human courtship?

_(Penny looks incredulously at Howard and Raj then to Sheldon, who pouts. Penny's incredulity turns into pity.)_

Penny: Aw, no… I guess not. But nothing out-of-line! And Howard, you can't stand in as Sheldon at any time in this little role-playing game.

Howard: (_begrudgingly) _Ok. (_energetically)_ So, first, we're going to explore "the approach." Penny sit down.

_(Penny sits down.)_

Leonard: Wait is this actually happening?

Sheldon: Don't worry Penny; you can be as "in line" or "out of line" as you like. My emotions are separated from this demonstration.

Penny: Ok, well, I can't go into "Spock mode," if it's... I don't know, if it'll creep me out!

Leonard: Yeah!

( _Raj has just whispered into Howard's ear._)

Howard: (to Raj) Hm, interesting point. (to Sheldon) Don't Spock and Ahura kind of hook up in the new Star Trek movie?

Sheldon: Well, he was young then.

Leonard: Not then.

Sheldon: Compared to the future Spock.

Penny: Ok, can we stop talking about Star Trek?

Howard: Right. Step 1. The approach and entrance. So this is a bar.

Sheldon: Why would I be at a bar? I have had no previous escapades in a bar and I don't intend to venture to one.

Howard: Ok, fine. You're in here, the apartment. You don't know each other.

Sheldon: Why would she be here if I didn't know her?

Howard: Hush! Let me work my magic! Step 1. You casually walk around. You notice her and you sit down making your entrance. Then you initiate the pick-up line, but that's step 2. Now try.

_(Sheldon gets up, walks around, then sits down in his spot as himself.)_

Howard: No, you've got to be looser. And slowly sit down, and make sure you don't make eye contact.

_(Sheldon gets up, awkwardly walks, then sits down at an extremely slow pace, craning his neck away from Penny.)_

Howard: No, like sit calmly and coolly. Like you're too cool for school.

Sheldon: (_smirk) _Which I was.

Leonard: (_sarcastically) _Yeah, your arrogance can actually be put to use in this sense.

Penny: Can we do my version? The let's-stop-acting-like-morons version?

Howard: No! What would you know about picking up women?

Sheldon: (to Penny) Let's just give him a chance; after all, he is the expert in this field. (_Pause) _Bazinga! Fallen again for one of my practical jokes-in actuality I want to cease this embarrassing endeavor.

Leonard: (_without emotion, not expecting anything to happen, and goes and sits down and slumps in his chair) _You could treated it like an experiment. The variables are in fluidity of gestures, the juxtaposition of body language to smoothness of your voice, and the possibilities in word choice that would pertain to attractive women.

Sheldon: Oh… well that makes a lot more sense when you say it like that! I'll try again.

_(Sheldon gets up and walks coolly toward the sofa. He sits on the sofa at an appropriate rate, crosses his legs toward Penny and puts his arm on the top of the sofa, so that the arm is behind her back.)_

Excuse me miss, but do you happen to be the "missing link" in the evolutionary process? Your beauty and ebullience would be the only reason why sophisticated human beings would have evolved from such homely primates.

_(Penny is amused and smiles. Leonard stays slumped, but with eyebrows raised. Everyone else is flabbergasted.)_

Penny: Oh, well, that's very sweet of you. (_Sticks out hand.)_ Penny.

Sheldon: (_retracts hand on sofa and extends the other.) _Dr. Sheldon Cooper, PhD. (_Takes and_ _kisses her hand.)_

_(Leonard reacts to this by sitting up in his chair)._

Penny: (_Who looks as if she is going to fall over laughing)_ Why, aren't you sweet? So, what do you do, Doctor?

Sheldon: Well, there's my PhD in theoretical physics. But there's also my PhD. (_Pauses)_ In love. (_Gives a look to Penny that is surprisingly seductive.)_

Penny: (_Truly playing along now) _Really? A theoretical physicist has a PhD in love?

Sheldon: Well, it's simple logic, isn't it? We have to know everything about the universe, and "the bedroom" with its carnal activities can't be excluded from that absolute statement.

Leonard: Ok, I think that that's enough-

Sheldon: (_He has his arm around her and is rubbing her thigh.) _This living room is so overtly spacious and loud. Would you like to go to a place that is more isolated yet paradoxically (_pause, places hand on upper part of her thigh, then VERY sexily) _**intimate**.

Penny: (_Mysteriously) _Well, do we even need to move?

Sheldon: If you insist, my fair maiden. (_He then starts to kiss her passionately.)_

Leonard: (_Jumps up and moves toward the two) _OK BREAK IT UP!! BREAK IT UP!!! ENOUGH ROLE-PLAYING!!!!

Penny: (_they break apart) _WOW Sheldon! You've got a pair of lips there buddy! (To Howard) And I should know, I am after all a woman. (To Sheldon) Well, if you do that, then you'll have women eating out of the palm of your hand. (_coyly) _I certainly was. (_aside) _Granted, they still might be very desperate, (To Sheldon) but not as desperate as I originally thought they would be.

Sheldon: Well, thank you Penny, and I appreciate your acclaim for my (_raises eyebrows)_ suave attributes. Would you assist me in the future if I need any help in learning how to, as they say, "make love?"

Leonard: (to Sheldon) NO!

Penny: (to Sheldon) I'll think about it, cutie.

Leonard: (to Penny) WHAT?

Penny: (to Leonard) I'm kidding!

Leonard: Ok, well, we're done with that. Penny, I'll help you memorize your monologue if you want me to.

Penny: Oh, alright honey! Thanks! (To rest) Bye you guys. (To Howard) Consider yourself lucky, buddy.

_(Leonard and Penny leave.)_

Sheldon: If I may interject the silence with a silly gesture. (_Does the sizzle and burn gesture with his tongue and finger.)_

END

The Big Bang Theory is a Chuck Lorre show on CBS network, and I have no real affiliation with the show or any of its characters… although I wish I did!


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